It hurts my pride to admit this…
Here’s the truth…
I’m getting older.
No warning. Just there.
I hadn’t accounted for the toll staying alive would have on my body.
I am so incredibly tired.
I don’t mean just physically.
I mean spiritually fatigued and mentally depleted at the level of conscious care REQUIRED to stay well in a world where being “Black” & “Woman” = WRONG.
Has it ALWAYS been this way?
Was I ignorant or just innocent?
The more I take care of me.
The more care I require.
When I eat sweets, my thighs explode.
When I exercise, I need tubs overflowing with lavender-infused Epsom salt…
… weekly massages…
… biweekly chiropractic appointments…
… AND acupuncture sessions.
I remember these activities were “luxuries.”
Now they are requirements.
To fulfill the Call.
When I speak my truth
toss verbal hand-grenades
in my psyche to…
… question me…
… shame me…
… shut me up.
I have had to disable each bomb with a talk with my therapist
… clearing calls…
… deep prayer.
It’s AMAZING to me how many KINDS of people are vested in keeping Black Women silent and afraid.
It is a revolutionary act to remember I am more than enough in the face of vicious attacks from…
…broken Black Men…
… malicious White hate…
… entitled Black Women.
I am not their wounds.
I owe them nothing.
They are not my God.
I know their hate is not personal.
I’m just the unwitting reminder of all they wish they could be.
So the hate they project is how much they hate themselves.
It’s not personal to me.
No more personal than my cracking knee joints from doing three sets of squats.
So I stay the course.
I hire experts.
I humble myself before God.
I take one step at a time and let go of all expectations, timelines, and targets.
I no longer measure my accomplishments or progress made.
I now measure…
… how many people I DON’T curse out…
… Pimp slap…
… or mentally annihilate.
I measure grace and mercy.
I measure speaking up without talking down.
I measure humility instead of pride.
I used to think God was preparing the blessings for me.
I now realize God has been preparing me for the blessings.
Growing me up emotionally.
So I am able to handle the blessings that are my divine birthright as well as the inheritance of my paternal lineage.
As I surrender more and more my attachments…
… the more I am truly able to let go and let God.
By: Dr. Venus Opal Reese