I pray a lot.
I do my best to do what I feel is God’s will for my life.
One of my biggest “sins” is desiring to be desired.
I will be the first to say it:
I’m a heathen.
A brazen hussy.
Is sex a sin or human nature?
It always perplexed me that God would build it into “human nature” to desire, but sex/lust is a “sin.”
I comprehend self-control.
I sometimes feel set up by God to lose if it’s human nature to have desire. Especially when desire is coupled with the word “love.”
I’m clear about marriage and “waiting” so I’m not fighting the Bible. There is wisdom in waiting. I am not pure. I don’t know if a man would actually wait to consummate for more than the Steve Harvey sanctioned three months before making a move or moving on.
I know people exploit others sexually under the auspices of love.
As an unprotected child of the streets, in order to be “loved” I was taught how to please.
Where I come from, everything had a price.
So I have love/sex, obedience/power violence/submission conflated. It’s taken decades to distinguish each dynamic from each other, which I have.
AND I have appetites I refuse to feed.
As a single, successful, and destiny-driven Black Woman, I’m being with how to live single when I miss tenderness and the erotic. I don’t mean “booty calls” or “friends with benefits.”
I desire authentic connection.
I sometimes wonder can I love God and be in love simultaneously?
I am spitting distance from reaching the world through television. So I’m wondering if learning to live single is learning how to be alone.
That’s the hard part for me.
I miss companionship.
What of wooing?
Passionate gasps in the dark?
I desire desire but not with just anybody.
I REQUIRE a partner who is already doing or has done the internal work so I’m not solely doing the emotional heavy lifting.
I REQUIRE a partner who is already accountable, responsible, and successful so my upward spiral to stardom is not a problem for him but a point of pride.
I REQUIRE a partner who has profound personal integrity, emotional intelligence, and financial stability so we compliment each other instead of competing.
I want an equal.
And I am asking God to heal me so completely and make me so whole the Black Man God has for me, reveals himself.
…be at peace that my calling is bigger than my flesh. I need to kill my flesh, daily, and be at peace with celibacy…
…for the rest. of. my. life.
Pray for me.