I woke up thinking about you.
Praying for you.
Praying for an “Us” you saw
long before I could hear you.
I think on God and
what it means to love someone.
To be loved by someone.
Then my mind floats to you.
I think about you driving two hours to park in my garage, just to make sure Happy is feeling better and my anxiety has gone down.
I love you for letting me know it’s ok not to let you in.
You just wanted me to know that you are here for me.
All the time.
You didn’t make me talk.
Then you drove home.
I marvel at how you navigate the landmine called my heart.
With its strategic tripwires designed to discredit you so I can justifiably send you away.
You simply smile at me with your eyes.
While you quietly detonate my emotional bombs.
You kiss me when I expect you to yell.
You hold my hand when I think you should hit me.
You make me laugh when I am certain you are going to get fed up with my wounds and walk away.
I think of God and how He loves.
When I think of the character of God…
…I see your face.
And I weep.
First, single-strand tears that roll slowly from the corner of my right eye…
…then an avalanche of water that makes it hard to see.
I do my best to try to feel worthy.
To try to rest in the steadiness of your love.
Yet, I am afraid.
What if I am too damaged?
To be worthy of such a love?
The softness of your smile when I try to tell you my fears…
…comes through in your voice when you whisper in my ear:
“I’m never going to leave you Venus. I’m not going anywhere babe.”
You baby me.
Sometimes you even rock me.
I feel my little girl self trying to comprehend.
Her eyes closed tightly shut.
I/She/We hug your neck for dear life.
Afraid and desperately hopeful.
At the same time.
I don’t know what to do with your tenderness.
Your gentleness softens me.
I sometimes feel like I am breaking into chunks of me with jagged edges too vicious to touch.
You gather up the pieces of my brokenness and love me into healed wholeness.
I pray to God you love me like it feels you do.
I pray I feed your soul the way you heal mine.
I pray you can feel the depth, purity, the holiness of my love.
I love you my Him.
With my whole heart.
I love you in the broken places.
I love you in the space when my inhale naturally becomes my exhale.
You have my heart.
You have my loyalty.
You have my trust.
You have my purist love.