I know I’m grieving.
But in all honesty, some days are better than others. I feel like I’m spiraling, headfirst, into a thick and sticky darkness that has sucked the hope and joy from the marrow of my bones.
I couldn’t get out of bed yesterday until the afternoon. Happy snuggled with me until I could muster the desire to put both feet on the floor.
I feel so despondent.
Like I don’t care anymore.
My heart breaks when I see my baby sister. I can’t be with the sadness I see pouring from her skin. I can’t talk to her about Tory. About the funeral.
About any of it.
I feel like I will shatter into thousands of shards of glass, too hurt by life to ever be put back together.
I don’t care what I eat.
I’ve given up on sleeping.
I feel safest in my car.
I’m trying to hire a personal trainer but even that feels hollow.
My prayers feel plastic.
I wish I were angry.
Politics. Life. Social change.
I simply don’t care right now.
Not enough to get back in the ring and fight for what I believe and stand for.
The only things that comfort me are Happy, my private clients, and writing.
I pray, “God, please, help me feel good about life again.”
I am wrapped in a world of gray.
Please Lord, help me.
Give me a sign.
…that breathes life back into my soul…