BE THE Only!

Mass Shootings, Trauma, Trigger, & God

Help Me Lord.
I can feel myself crying on the inside but I’m too numb to let them fall.

Seeing the 19 tiny caskets custom designed by an artist to reflect their favorite superhero or Disney princess …

Seeing the Buffalo shooter ESCORTED from Tops Grocery Store like a War hero… (Knowing had he been a Black Man he would have been shot dead on the spot).

Reading about a shooter who killed an Asian person in a church…


I get triggered.

I have to pace my tragedies.

Anxiety attacks.
Panic attacks.
Nightmares riddled with the audible violence of guns and vision’s
of bloody nooses.

Breathing is hard.
Getting out of bed is harder.

So I pray.

“God please help me?”
“Help you what, my Beloved. My Bae.”

My eyes fill with tears.

I love it when God calls me by my pet name for him. It makes me feel special.

(Deep breath).

“Please help me not hate.”
My God smiles at me as he stokes my cheek with his finger tips.

“Bae you have too much love in you to hate. Right now, you’re hurting. It’s easer to hate than feel the hurt that only real love can feel.”

I snuggle up in God.

God holds me close and tells me stories about creating the galaxies and water.
I don’t really listen.
I just appreciate the steady beat of his heart in my ear as I give him my grief.

“Bae, it’s ok.” I shake my head at him.
“It’s bad God. They are killing kids now, shooting up grocery stores then claiming mental illness.”

“Racism is a mental illness Bae.”
“That’s not the point God.”
“Then what is the point.”

I feel rage bubbling in my stomach and pouring out of my mouth like hot lava.

“The shooters should fucking DIE! The 50 Republicans should loose THEIR children due to gun violence. YOU SHOULD DO SOMETHING GOD!!!!

I start crying and screaming at the same time.

“If you’re God of EVERYTHING, why don’t you punish them like you punished Pharaoh when he refused to let your people go? Why do you let them do this?? ” I scream at God.

He listens.
And waits.
And listens some more.

God wraps me in his arms and rocks me while I weep.
He hums as he rocks me into peace.

God then takes my tear-stained face in his hands.

“Bae, I am right here with you in your sadness. It’s fine that you question me. here is my answer: the mass shootings are not due to my negligence. It is the predictable consequence of complacency. Water is wet. Guns kill.

“But the Senate won’t act.”
“They will when enough of you get out of your feelings and into action.”

God looks me deeply in my eyes and smiles softly at my wounded heart. He kisses my forehead.

“You are my most beloved precious treasure. You are my beloved in whom I am well pleased. Let yourself grieve Bae. It’s appropriate and it’s healthy.”

I feel myself relax on the inside.

I lay my head on God’s lap as he strokes my hair.

“On the other side of grief is peace and power. Feel. Grieve. Allow. Rest in me. I will never leave you nor forsake you. Give me your grief. Let me carry it for you.”

I looked up into the face of my God.

Love, assuredness, and safety fall from his eyes into my wounded heart like seeds of hope and healing.

The seeds take root and start to bloom in my heart and I see a weed. A trigger chocking the life out of one of my heart flowers from God.

It’s a trigger. From my childhood.
The mass shootings took me back to being in a drug bust; to being unsafe.

I was unprotected as a child.
I was unsafe in momma’s house.
I was in perpetual danger on the streets.

The shootings put me back on the streets. They make me feel like I’m about to die.

God sees my heart and and reaches in me, plucks the weed out, so my heart flowers can reach full bloom.

“Bae, I am with you always. You are safe now. Give your burdens, your fears and worries—give them to me. Let me carry your cross.”

So I did.
I do.

The battle is not mine but the Lords.
I lean not to my own understanding with the mass shootings.
I trust my God with all my heart.

The battle belongs to God.
And I am his most precious valuable treasure. He will always keep me safe and be with me through it all.

My God works ALL things for good.
I don’t have to understand to know that God is sovereign. My God has a plan for my life and eternity.

No racist, supremest, or extremest is more powerful than my God.
I dwell in the safety, certainty, and security of my God.


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