Not in a physical way–but emotional.
Like so many Black Women–actually, women in general–I had organized my life around ”making it.” So I became whatever I needed to become to be ”somebody.”
And I won.
I worked my ass off.
Got off the streets.
Went to school.
Got a job.
Became an entrepreneur.
Became a best-selling author.
Sold out national tour.
Dismantled my life.
Moved to San Diego.
Wrote another book.
Became an international best-selling author.
Chose to be an artist again.
Went back to solo performance art.
Home flooded in San Diego.
Moved to LA.
Tried to get Hot Mess Millionaire up on Amazon.
After break down.
1st episode–the pilot–up on Amazon.
2 million streams and counting.
Exhale for first time since 12 when I started to fend for myself.
George Flloyd, executed in front of the world.
Committed all my platforms to stopping the Police from killing us.
Amazon turned down Hot Mess Millionaire Series.
Stopped being an artist.
Went back to teaching online training.
Heard God: self-produce the series.
Felt inferior to Amazon.
Afraid I wouldn’t get NEARLY as many views on my own.
Put it off.
Put the dream to the side.
Bought audiobook, ”Unshakable Trust” by Joyce Myer.
Prayed for more trust.
Prayed I trust you, Lord, to strengthen my trust.
I’ve been afraid that if the series wasn’t on a big platform you wouldn’t support me.
Please forgive me for my fear.
I know you will be there for me if I am teaching you something, but I am afraid that sharing my story is not important to you because it’s not in your self-interest.
I’m also afraid you won’t like me. That once you see just how raw I am, you will wash your hands of me.
I truly AM a ”hot mess.” I’m a bunch of contradictions that make no sense–except they do in me.
I’m afraid that you will judge me and say bad things about me.
I’m afraid you will laugh at me and call me names.
I’m afraid you won’t watch because I’m nothing compared to Amazon.
I’m afraid you won’t share the series.
I’m afraid you will see all my flaws, reject me and turn your back on me.
I know you’ve been with me for a minute so please forgive my humanity. I know you have been loyal to me. But this series is not my teachings.
This series is me. Real. Raw. Uncut.
So I am going to do what God whispered in my heart: self-produce my series and let God do God.
I may fail.
You may hate it–or not.
You may judge and attack me.
I don’t know HOW you will take it or even watch it.
God is faithful.
Even to wretches like me.
I trust you Lord. It’s an imperfect trust but it’s the best that I have right now.
In the end, hopefully, the series will help somebody.
Pray for me.