Today is a gentle day.
Happy, my Service Animal, is curled up beside me napping.
My private clients are finalizing contracts and wires.
My curls are POPPIN’ after I fingered coiled them, DRY! (That’s a first.)
I feel pretty.
I feel safe.
I feel peace.
I’m falling in love with my 51 years thriving body.
I’m learning how to feed me.
I’m learning to relate to my body as God’s Temple.
I am seeing it as the vehicle by which I get to do God’s will.
I am looking for a home church where I can serve and be fed. I’m an eMember at the Potters House, but I want to be with people in person. I’m hungry for community that serves.
I attended a Biker Church, my Nanna’s online Bible Study, as well as a Bible study about 45 minutes from home. Each experience had its own charm.
I feel like I am finally starting to settle into midlife.
The biggest joy of my life in this season is Happy.
I sincerely enjoy the company of my dog.
He is a character! He is opinionated, assertive, and quite communicative about what he wants! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been “barked out” because I took too long playing in my hair when he was ready to go outside and run in the meadows!
Boy, does he let me have it!
Happy makes me laugh. He kisses (aka licks) away my tears, and helps me to regulated my sympathetic nervous system.
As my central nervous system relaxes and regulates; as I follow Spirit’s order for my life, I realize something that has given me a peace that truly does surpass understanding.
The more I heal the less I need people.
Hear me out. Please.
I’m not replacing people with my puppy.
I’m reorganizing my life to go to God instead.
I didn’t realize how most of, if not all of, my relationships where in someway or the other tied to a wound I didn’t know I had.
From personal to professional, all of my relationships were survival strategies to either —be somebody
—prove somebody wrong or
—get somebody to love me.
These “needs” are the source socially acceptable acts of self-hate such as:
—making things work
AND being successful.
In healing, I no longer crave appreciation or to be understood or heard.
I’m learning to love myself, my body, and my life as I let go of the past in a deeper way—including ALL success and accomplishments.
I realize now that “accomplishment” is just another form of a socially acceptable act of self-hate.
Behind every successful person, I believe there is a wounded child running the show.
I’ve evolved in my healing to truly own that being a Stanford Ph.D., a self-made millionaire, traveling the world, best-selling author, and national tours, ALL THE THINGS—as Saul turned Paul says—counts as “dung.”
It means nothing.
It’s all survival to feel better about myself.
To stop feeling like a piece of shit.
And it did.
Until it didn’t.
Then I was driven to accomplish MORE.
the cycle is endless and exhausting.
So I quit.
I no longer have anything to prove.
I have no desire to be a self-made millionaire ever again.
I surrender ambition or getting ANYWHERE.
Proving them wrong.
My desires are to:
—be within my mom, Nanna, as she gets older.
—birdwatch, walk in nature
—marvel at God’s creativity
—watch the seasons change in the caverns
—run with Happy in the meadows so he knows he’s loved.
My heart craves:
—making a difference using my creativity in connection with the alchemy of my fierce intellect as well as my money-making ingenuity.
My soul seeks:
—the presence of my God
—to dwell in It’s presence
—to be God’s hands, feet, & voice.
My body requires:
—full acceptance and approval
—my forgiveness for villain-fying her for being vulnerable and feminine
—an active lifestyle that is fun for me.
My spirit relishes:
—the company and conversation of kind people
—laughter, good food, and collaboration
—time with God alone and in community.
I’m thinking about writing a new book.
The tentative title is, “God-Made Millionaire: From Survival-Driven Success to Spirit-Guided Affluence.”
It’s been hanging out in the corners of my mind.
Popping up in my prayer life.
Jotting notes in my journal.
I’m also thinking through a new docuseries for Brothers. I’m feeling led to teach them how to make money from what they “know” instead of what they “do.” This idea has legs already. So I will be moving forward with this.
I recently hired a paid speaking booking agent. I am committed to speaking and writing, creatively, for the rest of my life. I’m thinking about touring next year as well.
But in the meantime…
…I’m going to run in the meadow with Happy and thank God for loving me to wholeness.
It is a beautiful thing to go within for love, approval, acceptance and peace. Instead of clawing externally for something people are not equipped, capable, or designed to give.
Please keep me in your prayers as I walk in faith into the future God has for me.
Just joy, fulfillment, and freedom.
I’m going to wake Happy up now, so we can go play.
Thanks for witnessing.
I love you,