He’s picking a ring for me.
He asked me to go to the jeweler, get sized, and send photos of the styles that speak to me. I quickly realized I like simple, elegant, and durable settings. I favor clean lines and one centered stone.
I don’t anticipate he will propose anytime soon. My Him is a planner and likes to make memories for me that last a lifetime. I’m in no rush to get married. AND I like the idea of daydreaming about how he would propose. I love him for his thoughtfulness.
I think I may be in love.
I find myself considering things, dreams I had given up on. But in his love, I dream again.
His love IS patient.
His love IS actually kind.
He looks at me like I’m the air he needs to breathe.
He touches me like I’m sacred.
He kisses me like I am holy.
He gives me space and he supports my dream of being a full-time artist/creative/writer.
I find myself breaking all my rules.
For him. Only him.
But I don’t feel weak.
I feel safe.
I didn’t know the healing power of constancy and honesty.
I BELIEVE his word.
He makes sad things fun.
My brother Tory was born on December 2nd.
Last Christmas Eve, he transitioned due to COVID. The holiday season had been tough before.
Now it feels like quicksand.
Usually, I just go to bed, pull the covers over my head, and only go out to walk Happy.
He enrolled me in what he is calling our first “Couple’s Christmas.”
He wants to get a small tree that he, I, and Happy decorate. We even get to put presents under the tree for Happy!
He’s talking eggnog, black and white Christmas movies in matching onesies!
I said no, absolutely not.
He just smiled through his voice and said,
“Ok. No problem.
We don’t have to do Christmas.
I guess I will just have to return your gifts…”
“Gifts?” My ears perked up REAL quick.
But that’s fine.
Since you don’t celebrate Christmas.
I honor your boundaries.”
I want to push him out the window.
“Stop baiting me.”
“You are and it’s not nice!”
Then he says,
“How about we NOT celebrate Christmas and we exchange gifts as a way to celebrate the birth of Christ?”
He KNOWS how much I love the Lord.
Well played. I can’t keep a straight face.
He is SO tickled with his mental dexterity.
We both burst into laughter.
“Ok. I can align with our not-Christmas, Christ Birthday Gift Exchange!”
He makes bad things good.
My therapist calls these sorts of activities “corrective” experiences. That’s when something bad from the past is addressed and transformed by a new positive activity.
I think the reason love is so powerful is because it can erase decades of hurt in minutes just by recontextualizing the loss.
His love helps me see new futures I never imagined as well as heals the past with joy.
I have never known a love like this.
I can feel myself changing.
Letting go of my defenses.
Resting in his love.
He calls me, “Home.”
I’m his home to him.
I don’t know what to say so I say nothing.
I just smile with my eyes.
Filling up with tears.
I am very thankful the Black Man who loves me keeps tending to my wounded heart such that I get healed and become whole.
I have no idea when he will get the engagement ring.
In truth, I trust divine time.
I do, however, appreciate him asking for my ring size and photos of styles I favor.
It makes me feel certain.
Assured that the futures I see are not pipe dreams.
He sees them too, sis.
He sees too.
Happy Holiday Season.
I love you,