Feeling Defeated

My computer died.
Well it won’t go beyond the opening Apple page. #sigh

All Apple/electronic stores are closed so there’s nothing to do but wait until they reopen in LA.

I can’t record my podcast—but I DO have two episodes in the can, so now I’m thankful for breakdowns. My series is on hold due to COVID-19 back up. There’s nothing I can do about it.

I can’t tour or do live events until it’s safe to go outside again.

I feel like God is telling me in EVERY way possible: stop.

I’m not a quitter. I find ways or make them. But in this season, EVERYTHING is out of my control. Beyond my will.

I find myself disheartened.
Dejected.
Depressed.

I try not to go to worse case scenarios.
But I fail. I don’t feel angry. More apathy. Despondent.

Actually if I tell the truth, I feel defeated.

It’s a quiet feeling. Not a lot of emotion. It’s marked by the ABSENCE of emotion. When I think of defeat, I think of an Olympic athlete who has trained for YEARS to compete. The level of focus, commitment, and sacrifice are poured into the dream of winning the gold.

The athlete trains, gets the right coach, and even moves away from home and childhood to compete against the best of the best in the world on the world’s stage.

And then, through no fault of her own, perhaps a hidden pebble in the snow for a skier,  or a ripped Achilles for a runner, or the direction the wind blows for a tennis player, or sweat on the basketball court— you name it—something happens.

While giving it her all, playing like her life depends on it, something or somethings happen beyond her control and she is defeated.

Do you ever think about what it is like to miss a medal by a fraction of a second? Or because the referee made a bad call? How do all the athletes who lose at the Olympics, keep on living, once they come home defeated?

If they’re anything like me, they try to regroup and look on the positive side. But their hearts are not in it. So privately they grieve. Some may even suffer. Some may go into teaching or tour with Disney. Others may open private training facilities to train the next generation of Olympians.

Still others may resort to drinking.
Drugs. Reckless living because they no longer have a reason to live.

Some of the defeated may get married and have babies to focus their passion on.

But no matter the survival strategy, in the bottom of their numb hearts they move through this world, defeated.

So, right now, with my broken computer, cancelled tour/events, my original series on hold during the pandemic, and a host of other breakdowns/losses, I feel defeated.

I know it will pass. I’m not a quitter. I know that God is always working things out in my favor and for my good.

But for right now, I’m going back to bed.

I will hug my puppy, cry in his fur and buy a new computer tomorrow.

Yeah, I will try again tomorrow…

Dr. Venus