I had someone I had a deep respect for send me the most disrespectful email, as well as tried to railroad me into something that I specifically said I didn’t feel comfortable with. I am clear the behavior has nothing to do with me. This person is known for burning bridges and blaming the other party.
Initially my body locked up. It was such an unexpected attack, I was reeling. It has taken days to get my body to come down. PTSD is real. I have done all the self-care things I know to do including limiting access, being in communication, and prayer. So I am moving through the spaces to get back to balance as soon as I am capable of doing so.
When I was a child, I was trained to regard every bad thing that happens as something I brought on myself. If someone attacked me, physically, emotionally, energetically, and/or mentally, my default was, “What did I do wrong? How can I fix this? “It’s all my fault. I am such a fuck up.”
I still go there.
Speaking up and letting my desires be known, asking for what I want, and even saying no takes all the courage I have. My body shakes, I become accommodating, and I brace for a blow or an attack of some sort.
Making nice has been my go-to when I felt like the person who says they are on my side decides that what they want matters more to them than our agreements and my well-being. I am very transparent about my needs. EVERY PERSON who interacts with me is fully aware about my need for clarity, consistency, compassionate communication, and certainty. So when a person flexes, KNOWING I am trusting them with me and my dreams, it occurs as betrayal, surprise, and attack.
I am clear people do not lay awake at night planning ways to piss on me. I know. I am surrendering to people’s hidden agendas. The moment they feel challenged, or they have an unspoken desire they are trying to make happen through me without my consent, they become bullies.
I sat with my Holy Trinty about this matter: my Nanna, my sister, and my best friend. I realize now that somethings are out of my control. A manipulator/dominator/controller/bully will set up everything to get their way, regardless of the damage, and then try to make it look like I did it. My growth edge is to detach. In the end, Karma will take care of it all.
God is my vindicator.
My job as I continue walking into my destiny is to know “beauty for ashes” is real. I give up ever trying to make someone honor my wishes and respect me. They disrespect their mothers/children/spouses. That’s the kind of person they are. Their survival is some version of, “I am right. I know better. We doing things MY way.” It’s not personal to me. This is their cross and it will fuck them royally in ways that are unrecoverable–like before. I’m not the first nor will I be the last to be betrayed, positioned, and attacked.
I am getting into reality.
As I move forward, I will be more discerning about who I trust with me and my dreams. People’s behaviors NEVER lie. I knew this person had lost HUGE relationships because of feeling disrespected when their ideas weren’t embraced by new people and they did this subversive domination. I just never thought that I would be on the receiving end of this sort of pathology. It’s insulting to see how blatant the positioning is–as if I wouldn’t see through it.
It’s pretty stunning.
And I realize when a person believes they are right, their arrogance blinds them or makes them not give a fuck about the other person’s intelligence. The flavor if this sort of positioning is almost like, “You need me so shut the fuck up and do it my way or you won’t get shit.”
I get it.
And I offer my sympathy and my prayer. This behavior will always keep a person starting over and NEVER reaching the heights of their full potential.
They will never have the fulfillment of being lauded for their genius.
They will never have the respect of peers and inspiration.
They will never make money with ease.
They will ALWAYS have to hustle.
Their bodies will suffer greatly as will their home life. #howyoudoonethingishowyoudoeverything
Doing things “your way” (no matter how great you or how amazing you are at any task or who you know) will murder any and all relationship capitol.
There is a wonderful quote: “People will forget what you tell them but they will never forget how you made them feel.”
Thank you God for healing me from self-blame as well as all need to be right about anything. Thank you for freeing me from my addiction to being loved. I thank you for releasing me from the shackles of ambition. I know you can do things in an instant. I lean on you not man. You are my God. I trust you with me Lord. I trust you with my dreams and my life. I know that you ALWAYS work every situation out for my good and my destiny.
I know if something doesn’t happen, it’s your way of protecting me and providing for me. And I thank you for your provision. I don’t have to kiss as or make nice with anyone for anything.
Those days are over.
I thank you for blessing my life with ONLY people of character, integrity, and partnership. I thank you for blessing me in the most lavish way I could NEVER have imagined from this breakdown! This is why I love you Lord. You take EVERYTHING meant to hurt, harm, or put me in my place, and CATAPULT me into new dimensions I didn’t have the ability to imagine. And I thank you.
Thank you for maturing me emotionally so I don’t live at the effect of the past.
Thank you for evolving me spiritually so I live in peace that surpasses understanding.
Thank you for taking such precious care of me so I live in the light of your love instead of dying in the darkness of their wounds.
I walk with you God.
And I am so very thankful.
With all the love I have…