Forgive my unbelief.
I feel like a hypocrite.
You have covered me before I was born.
You had my father stand for my life while I was conceived.
You put momma in jail to protect my life.
You have protected, provided, & held me close all the days of my life.
Before I inhaled, you loved me.
You chose me.
And you have walked with me through every furnace I have experienced.
You have healed every wound – flesh, mental, emotional – self-inflicted or experienced.
You have given me success very few people on the planet will ever achieve.
You have given me beauty for ashes as a lifestyle, Lord.
I trust you with my life.
But I don’t trust you with my dreams.
Please forgive my unbelief.
I have more faith in what I can see than what you say to me.
I have more faith in what I know than your promise to me.
I have more faith in teaching than writing as my livelihood.
I am such a coward, Lord.
I don’t believe I can make the same kind of money as a screenwriter/creator/producer that I can & have as an internet marketer/mentor/teacher.
I think it will take years to even get in the game.
I think I don’t have connections to get seen.
I think I need to teach while I learn.
I don’t trust that I could just write.
That my voice, my point of view, my words are just as valid as my teaching.
Just as impactful.
Just as powerful.
Just as lucrative.
And then I think, am I being proud?
Am I so attached to what I have accomplished I don’t think I shouldn’t have to start over in a new industry with different rules of engagement? Am I asking for a shortcut?
Should I shut down all I have built over the last 10 years online & get a teaching gig & just write until I sell a show/series? Get offline & just focus totally on breaking into the entertainment industry, which is designed as an apprenticeship model?
See. My mind goes right to teaching at a university again to supplement my dreams.
THAT’S what I am calling my unbelief.
That’s my distrust in you, God.
I trust I can make a living as a teacher in some capacity.
I don’t trust I can make a living SOLELY as a writer/creator in Hollywood.
Help me, Lord.
Heal my unbelief.
Heal my distrust of you.
I trust you with my life, but not my dreams.
I KNOW you love me.
I KNOW you have your hand on me & always have.
I KNOW you will never leave me or forsake me.
But I don’t hold my dreams the way I hold my needs.
You have ALWAYS provided for me – on the streets, school, success.
But those things/spaces/times are essential to staying alive.
They have nothing to do with fulfillment and impact.
I guess I’m saying I trust you to take care of my needs, not my wants.
And yet, you have been whispering in my ear since I was a child, I can help people stop hurting. Television was what I saw with each whisper. But I have never had the courage to try.
From then to now, I don’t trust you with this.
Please heal my unbelief.
I desire that Abraham faith.
I keep seeing this image in my head: Abraham walking with his young son Isaac up the hill to make a sacrifice. Isaac says, “Where is the sacrifice?” & Abraham says without missing a beat, “The Lord himself will provide.” He trusted God so much that he placed his most beloved son on the altar, lifted his knife to sacrifice Isaac without zero questioning or doubt.
At the last moment, God stopped Abraham & supplied a ram for the sacrifice instead of Isaac.
I don’t have this level of trust with you, Lord.
I don’t. Not about my dreams.
So I pray you to heal my distrust in you.
I will keep doing what you tell me to do: I hired the scriptwriting consultant. I have put myself in the script anatomy class. I have also put myself in the pilot writing lab.
I have bought books & have started reading the first one.
I am watching the pilots & breaking down the 4-6 acts in each of them.
I am doing what you say, Lord.
And while I don’t trust you with my dreams, I do trust you to heal my unbelief… & at some point, I will trust you like Abraham.
I trust you to tell me what I need to do, what I need to study, what songs to listen to, what Bible verses I need to memorize to release unshakeable trust in you with everything.
Not just my survival but my Calling.
I trust you to heal my unbelief. My distrust in You.
You are my God.
And I love you with all that I am.
Thank you for loving me just as I am.
Flawed & fickle.
Thanks for hearing me out.
For drawing me close to you.
You love me specially.
Thank you for growing me, spiritually.
You are so good to me.
I don’t know why you love me so good.
But I am so grateful.
In Jesus’ name.