As an act of self-love, I am INTENTIONALLY, CONSCIOUSLY, and ACTIVELY focusing on the positive.
It’s amazing how grief or loss can make you extreme.
Do I cry or laugh?
Crying comes when I let myself become present to the loss.
I’m getting adjusted to saying my brother, Tory, transitioned on Christmas due to COVID.
I still talk about him in the present tense.
I sometimes try to trick myself by lying. I say things to myself like, “Tory’s not really gone. He’s just resting.”
It’s hard to believe.
It doesn’t feel real.
I keep thinking Tory?
I know it’s an unanswerable question.
So I steer my mind to things I have some say so in. Things that are positive.
I’m focusing on being my best self and living my best life. I’m not sure what that really means but I figured I start with my body.
If I told the truth out loud, I feel fat, achy, and old. I’ve been sitting down for a year and I can tell. I am now, as of this week, scheduled to workout with my trainer, Stretch, five days a week. He’s a former athlete who thinks I’m 25. He is merciless. But he makes me laugh until my tummy aches. I thank God for him.
Between my trainer, Happy, and letting new energy in my life, I’m laughing harder than I ever have.
Is that weird?
I don’t know anymore so I’m focused on taking actions that bring joy and take up my full focus.
I have new shoes (two pairs) to help my knees not hurt so I can fully commit to my fitness.
I have 18 prepared healthy meals in my refrigerator that taste good.
I’m starting to get likes and engagement on my two dating apps. Dating is a FASCINATING process online. But it’s nice to have people to talk to.
I have a biweekly massage scheduled as well as I’m purposely drinking more water.
I’m stretching, form rolling, and using the small hardball to focus on tight muscles.
AND I’m loving being with my private clients. Being with them reminds me that my life has a purpose.
So I guess I’m saying I’m taking on living AND grieving simultaneously. Not either-or.
I hope you don’t get sick of me sharing my grieving process to stay well. I’m clear it’s not upbeat but it’s the best I can muster now.
Thank you for witnessing.
I love you.