Archives for February 2023

Am I Going Crazy?

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Am I going crazy?
Have I given up on life?
Am I lazy, triflin’, or stupid?

(Pause. Deep breath. Still introspection.)

No.

I’m dying.

The past, my past, is burning away.

Melting like snowflakes encountering the Sun.

I feel light.

Like I’m not here anymore.
Nothing matters to me.
Not in a negative way.
I just have no attachment to anything.

(Well, except Happy🐶.)

I don’t care about anything except my relationship with God.

I.
Am.
Changing.

God is ushering me through a mosaic of revelations and shedding of all that has come before.

My appetites are changing.
My ambitions are no more.
I don’t want anything.

(That sounds extreme, doesn’t it? Let me try again.)

I am resolved.
Committed.
All in.

I am ordering every dimension of my life to align with my relationship with my God.

My love for my God is all-consuming.

(IMPORTANT NOTE: Please respect my truth even if it is not yours. Please don’t correct me or diminish my belief. It’s just as valid as yours.)

I joined the Potter’s House eChurch.
I LOVE their Foundations Course for New Members!

I am excited by the work of the T.D. Jakes Foundation with their STEAM (science, technology, engineering, arts, and mathematics) Academy.

I am moved to tears by the T.D. Jakes Foundation’s T.O.R.I, (Texas Offenders Reentry Initiative) success rate!

I’m inspired by The Potter’s House tanigible support of entrepreneurship (Good Soil) and leadership (International Leadership Summit.)

I am in complete alignment with Touré Roberts commitment to technology, theology, as well as his embrace of therapy AND prayer!

I am deeply moved by Sarah Jakes Roberts ministry for women to evolve.

I am reimagining my life as a wife to a Black Man who truly loves God, protects my anointing, and loves me like Christ loves the church. #nocompromises

I’m thinking through lending my genius to other people’s/institution’s dreams to reach the world

I don’t have to lead.
I don’t have to be the boss.
I don’t have to own it all of it.

I can partner as well as collaborate with like-hearted and established enterprises to do God’s work instead of going it alone. #strongertogether

Creatively, I’m thinking about making a documentary about Black men and money as well as a docuseries featuring felons making money on the other side of prison.

Healing history and monetizing are my strong suit.

Yes, I’m still committed to my private clients.
They feed my soul.

I’m no longer:
proving it
making it
overcoming it.

I’m getting off the hamster wheel of trying to get somewhere to be “somebody.”

I’ve already done that.

And I won.
If I died tomorrow, I’m already in history books, dissertations, music, libraries, and immortalized on social media and Amazon and television.

I don’t want what I have already done before.
None of it.
It’s over and I am complete.

I just want God.

I want to continue to fulfill God’s will for my life.

Nothing more.

I have.
I am.
I will.

Maybe I AM going crazy.

In the sense of giving up all I have identified myself as, such that there is no “me” anymore.

No wonder I feel so discombobulated.

My identity is being crucified.

In a very existential way, I am being reborn.

And I am so deeply grateful.

He Would Die For Me?

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I was reared in violence.
I was an unprotected child is the gentlest way I can say this.
Because adults abused their power with my body from 6 to 16, I learned that people in authority would never respect my body, my voice, and my no.

The damage was total.

I ended up attracting relationships that recreated the emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical disregard and violence I was born into.

What’s more, I transferred the abuse of power to God. Moreso to Jesus.

Let me explain.

I love God.
I love Jesus.
I love the Holy Spirit.

I just never believe that Jesus died for me.

The historical Jesus walked the earth.
I believe Jesus was a revolutionary of his day.
I believe he died and resurrected as the fulfillment of the Mosetic Law.

In short: Jesus fulfilled his destiny, and did God’s will.

I’m good with all of that.

What I had NEVER been able to swollow is that Jesus died for me.

So I roll hard with God, but have kept a polite spiritual distance from Jesus.

As for the Holy Spirit, I never really engaged.

No disrespect. I just have always felt connected to God. And if it’s a three for one deal, I didn’t see a problem with it.

I’ve been sick for the almost five weeks.

My body is weak but getting stronger daily.
As I contended with my inability to do anything productive, I decided to fast and pray for at least the next three months. I’m leaning towards making it a lifestyle.

I took precious time with my God.
The God of MY understanding.
I just wanted to feel better—in my body and in my life. I was been afraid for so long.
The sickness just amplified the isolation.

I live alone in LA.
Happy, my bichon, is my only companion, by choice.
I don’t have family here.

But I do have God.

So I chose to trust and rest in Spirit as I healed emotional scars from my childhood that re-emerged in my body and in my adult life.

It was time evolve.

I study with audio books (Joyce Myers “Unleashing The Power Of Faith and T.D. Jakes’ “Let It Go: Forgive So You Can Be Forgiven”)and my Bibles ( I move between 8 translations. My new favorite is The Passion Testament.) I’m doing a course on the book of Genesis from Hillsdale College with one of my male friends as well.

This was the best decision I have ever made!

One of my Truth Tellers suggested that my illness was required for me to be still and focuse on God. There may be truth to that. 

Here is a short video with one of the biggest revelations of my life. 

Please watch this short video above that has moved me into a new dimension in my evolution and in my God.👆🏾👆🏾👆🏾

I’m rethinking everything and can feel myself about to make some bold moves that are completely God-guided. And I feel GREAT about them!

Here are the messages that have been feeding me as I fast in pray this season:

Prayer Partner Part 1 (This teaching humbled my intellectual arrogance. It created an opening for me to move out of my intellect and make room for Spirit to intercede were my words fail)
https://youtu.be/d94Jgwqs5y4

Prayer Partner Part 2 (This was the one that gave me access to an ENTIRELY new comprehension of the 3 in 1 aspect of divinity in relstionship to being a human being.🤯#mindblown
https://youtu.be/2k1MchrKoDk

Steady in The Storm (This wisdom helped me get through one of the most confronting days of my life!!!! On the other side, a deep healing took place that has been with me since I was 10 years old. #Godissofaithful
https://youtu.be/edcc68JTpwc

A Bold Move (This teaching opened my heart to realize that God had made a bold move to choose me and it was time to move from survival mode to mission mode! #somuchyes
https://youtu.be/qI-m9LtIeRk

Heaven’s Resources For Earthly Dilemmas (This revelation caused me to transform my relationship with Yahweh. It didn’t see it coming!)
https://youtu.be/qI-m9LtIeRk

I can see now that nothing is EVER wrong or wasted. Everything only gets me closer to my God.

And I am grateful.

POSTING RULE:

It’s ok if you don’t believe what I believe. That’s not the point of this intimate and personal sharing.
This is my life.
My walk.
My God.

Please refrain from diminishing my truth.

I do not diminish yours. And it’s completely unneccesary. If you choose to post, please do so in the spirit of dignity and love.

I thank you in advance for honoring the vulnerability of my truth. I love you for doing so.

Asé.