Last year on my birthday, I was in a relationship with an extraordinary Black Man who loved me and whom I loved deeply.
He took me to Vegas to see the Michael Jackson show. Because the show was at night, I had to board Happy. It was the first night without Happy in over three years.
I did not do well.
Vegas is loud, busy, smoke-filled, and has a lot of stimulus. Not only do I have PTSD and social anxiety, I’m also on the spectrum of autism. Over stimulus wears on my central nervous system.
Simply put: just BEING in Los Vegas is triggering. 
Long story short, I got triggered and started to spiral. I did my best to self-sooth in an overwhelming and new environment but failed. I became jumpy, sensitive, and defensive. My ex didn’t and couldn’t understand. To his credit, he had never dated a person with PTSD. So he took my sensitivity personal. He felt like I was making mountains out of molehills and decided to sleep on the couch.
Without Him or Happy in a strange bed, alone, I lost it.
Chest pains.
Panic attack.
Racing thoughts.
Dizziness.
Throat contraction.
Inability to talk.
Sweating.
Shaking.
ALL the things.
I needed certainty.
I needed the familiar.
I needed my dog.
I needed to go home.
As soon as the dog boarding place open at the break of dawn, I packed my bag and went to get Happy.
I told Him I was going home. He said fine, go. Looking back I wish I could have said more, but this was the best I could do in that moment.
I got Happy drove and cried all the way back to LA from Vegas. Happy cuddled me curled in my lap, and I felt safe.
Once home in my familiar surroundings, I started to settle down, on the inside.
Happy cuddled, played, and INSISTED we go out for a walk. And we did.
Happy did the same thing this birthday.
I chose to stay home for my 51st birthday and spend the day praying. I’m traveling out of the country in the next few weeks, so spending the day with God felt like the right thing to do. I only talked with Nanna. Happy and I napped and cuddled until late afternoon.
I did my Bible study, worked on a project, and took a long scented bath. It was sacred. I felt peace in my spirit and thankful for dwelling in God.
Happy decided it was time for a walk.
When Happy and I walk, he gets to determine the direction. I figured since the walk is primarily for Happy to relieve himself, he should have the right to follow his nose.
We walk. Happy started pulling on his leash.
I had to pick up my pace.
Happy walked us to this beautiful high-end restaurant and sat down at the door.
I became embarrassed.
Happy was blocking the door and people on the inside could see me trying to cajole a stubborn 15lbs Bison to move out of the way.
He wouldn’t budge.
I picked him up and briskly walked to a bench near a waterfall fountain a short distance from the restaurant. Happy laid down on the ground and STARED at the door of the restaurant. The sound of the water was soothing. Peace was present. Happy watched the door and I prayed while letting the sound of water falling serenade my prayers.
30 minutes later, I get up and start to walk Happy home. Happy darted to the restaurant door nearly pulling my arm out of its socket!
Again, he sat his stubborn self in front of the restaurant door. This time I looked in. It seemed like a nice place. I coax Happy to walk around the restaurant. He aligned.
I went in and looked at the menu while Happy flirted with the host. I then decided to take myself out to dinner for my birthday.
Happy and I were seated in a lovely nook outside to enjoy the breeze and I could pray.
Happy was given water, and I had tea.
As we waited for my entree , a group of journalists came and filled the terrace with joy!
It was great to see them enjoy each other’s company.
One journalist struck up a conversation with me. He was a journalist in charge of Diversity. He was funny, witty, and smart. I told him today was my birthday. We laughed a lot. When the server came to ask about desert, he told the server my desert was on him! The server (who was also the manager) said he was planning to buy my dessert for me as a gift for my birthday.
The Diversity journalist, who just happen to be a Black Man said, “While your offer is appreciated, the gift will have more meaning coming from me than you.”
BOOM!
I was not prepared for this. Neither was the server. He bowed out graciously while I picked my mouth up off the floor!
The Black Man Diversity Journalist smiled at me deeply and I want to cry in a good way.
He WAS right. It DID mean more for this Black Man, a stranger, to gift me my dessert on my birthday.
He “saw” me and show me kindness for no reason at all.
It was healing.
When my dessert came out, this extraordinary Black man started singing Happy Birthday and encouraged the other 300 journalists to sing until the ENTIRE restaurant sang me Happy Birthday.
I thank him and everyone for this.
Turns out there were a number of dog loving journalists in the midst. So Happy had a receiving line of journalists who wanted to love on him. He graciously accepted all the ohhhs, ahhhhs, and pats.
It was a beautiful peaceful birthday.
The contrast between last year’s birthday and this one is profound.
I was able to go out by myself.
I felt good being alone, in peace with myself, my dog, and my God.
I didn’t get overwhelmed when all these strangers starting singing to me.
Last year I was healing.
This year I’m whole.
God sent a Black Man to let me know that there will be a Black Man who will see what I need and supply it. Who sees me, comprehends my world, and honors all of me.
No rush.
I’m doing God’s work right now.
No need for distraction.
I now know I will love again.
In the mean time, I’m appreciative that Happy took me to dinner on my 51st Birthday.
It was truly blessed.
momma