Archives for May 2020

I had someone I had a deep respect for send me the most disrespectful email, as well as tried to railroad me into something that I specifically said I didn’t feel comfortable with. I am clear the behavior has nothing to do with me. This person is known for burning bridges and blaming the other party.

Initially my body locked up. It was such an unexpected attack, I was reeling. It has taken days to get my body to come down. PTSD is real. I have done all the self-care things I know to do including limiting access, being in communication, and prayer. So I am moving through the spaces to get back to balance as soon as I am capable of doing so.

When I was a child, I was trained to regard every bad thing that happens as something I brought on myself. If someone attacked me, physically, emotionally, energetically, and/or mentally, my default was, “What did I do wrong? How can I fix this? “It’s all my fault. I am such a fuck up.”

I still go there.

Speaking up and letting my desires be known, asking for what I want, and even saying no takes all the courage I have. My body shakes, I become accommodating, and I brace for a blow or an attack of some sort.

Making nice has been my go-to when I felt like the person who says they are on my side decides that what they want matters more to them than our agreements and my well-being. I am very transparent about my needs. EVERY PERSON who interacts with me is fully aware about my need for clarity, consistency, compassionate communication, and certainty. So when a person flexes, KNOWING I am trusting them with me and my dreams, it occurs as betrayal, surprise, and attack.

I am clear people do not lay awake at night planning ways to piss on me. I know. I am surrendering to people’s hidden agendas. The moment they feel challenged, or they have an unspoken desire they are trying to make happen through me without my consent, they become bullies.

I sat with my Holy Trinty about this matter: my Nanna, my sister, and my best friend. I realize now that somethings are out of my control. A manipulator/dominator/controller/bully will set up everything to get their way, regardless of the damage, and then try to make it look like I did it. My growth edge is to detach. In the end, Karma will take care of it all.

God is my vindicator.

My job as I continue walking into my destiny is to know “beauty for ashes” is real. I give up ever trying to make someone honor my wishes and respect me. They disrespect their mothers/children/spouses. That’s the kind of person they are. Their survival is some version of, “I am right. I know better. We doing things MY way.” It’s not personal to me. This is their cross and it will fuck them royally in ways that are unrecoverable–like before. I’m not the first nor will I be the last to be betrayed, positioned, and attacked.

I am getting into reality.

As I move forward, I will be more discerning about who I trust with me and my dreams. People’s behaviors NEVER lie. I knew this person had lost HUGE relationships because of feeling disrespected when their ideas weren’t embraced by new people and they did this subversive domination. I just never thought that I would be on the receiving end of this sort of pathology. It’s insulting to see how blatant the positioning is–as if I wouldn’t see through it.

It’s pretty stunning.

And I realize when a person believes they are right, their arrogance blinds them or makes them not give a fuck about the other person’s intelligence. The flavor if this sort of positioning is almost like, “You need me so shut the fuck up and do it my way or you won’t get shit.”

I get it.

And I offer my sympathy and my prayer. This behavior will always keep a person starting over and NEVER reaching the heights of their full potential.
They will never have the fulfillment of being lauded for their genius.
They will never have the respect of peers and inspiration.
They will never make money with ease.
They will ALWAYS have to hustle.
Their bodies will suffer greatly as will their home life.  #howyoudoonethingishowyoudoeverything

Doing things “your way” (no matter how great you or how amazing you are at any task or who you know) will murder any and all relationship capitol.

There is a wonderful quote: “People will forget what you tell them but they will never forget how you made them feel.”

Thank you God for healing me from self-blame as well as all need to be right about anything. Thank you for freeing me from my addiction to being loved. I thank you for releasing me from the shackles of ambition. I know you can do things in an instant. I lean on you not man. You are my God. I trust you with me Lord. I trust you with my dreams and my life. I know that you ALWAYS work every situation out for my good and my destiny.

I know if something doesn’t happen, it’s your way of protecting me and providing for me. And I thank you for your provision. I don’t have to kiss as or make nice with anyone for anything.

Those days are over.

I thank you for blessing my life with ONLY people of character, integrity, and partnership. I thank you for blessing me in the most lavish way I could NEVER have imagined from this breakdown! This is why I love you Lord. You take EVERYTHING meant to hurt, harm, or put me in my place, and CATAPULT me into new dimensions I didn’t have the ability to imagine. And I thank you.

Thank you for maturing me emotionally so I don’t live at the effect of the past.

Thank you for evolving me spiritually so I live in peace that surpasses understanding.

Thank you for taking such precious care of me so I live in the light of your love instead of dying in the darkness of their wounds.

I walk with you God.
And I am so very thankful.

With all the love I have…

My mind is BLOWN!!! This is BANANAS!!! If you EVER doubted the POWER of healing to manifest, this gift from God, will make you a believer!!! As you may or may not know, my Hot Mess Millionaire Original Series, a docuseries about what it REALLY takes to be “self-made” is available in over 100million households through Amazon!!! If you like, check it out here.

After you watch it, If it feels right, please leave (hopefully) a five-star review about the episode. We will drop Episode 2 next week!! But if you want to see it FIRST and discuss it LIVE with me on zoom, head over to Hot Mess Millionaire Facebook Tribe to “go deep” and hear some “behind the scenes” things that didn’t make it to screen!) Here’s the link to join the conversation.

It’s a blessing from God to manifest a dream which is to reach the world. With the Hot Mess Millionaire Amazon Series, the Hot Mess Millionaire Podcast, and The Hot Mess Edition of the bestseller Black Woman Millionaire Book, which is ALSO available on Amazon #butgod , that dream is now an actual reality.

But that’s NOT the miracle.

Here’s what you don’t know.

All three offerings – the series, the podcast, and the book – were ALL in breakdown. Everything that could go wrong, did! I mean from bad footage, to fights with service delivery time lines, to creating an entire new ISBN for the hot mess edition and leaving all the reviews behind, each project almost didn’t happen! For real for real.

Then the pandemic happened and AMAZON didn’t release my episode on time. Everything was late. Nothing was working. And I felt like I was losing it all.

So I prayed. I talked with Nanna and then I got still. I heard God whisper to me, “Let it go my Beloved. Let it all go. Do you trust me?”

“Of course I do God. You know I do.”

“I know you do Bae, but I need you to get present. You are my favorite and I will not let you fall.”

“I know this Lord, but I have done EVERYTHING right! I’ve done everything you told me to do! From torching my old life to moving to LA. I do my part, but other people don’t. I don’t know how to fix this when I didn’t f$ck it!”

“I know, Bae. I know. Hear me, my precious, precious, wild, impatient child, I got this. Timing is EVERYTHING. Relax, let go and let me do some God shit. Is that alright? Can I take care of yo,u Bae? Will you let me love you?”

(Tears) “Yes Lord. Yes. I love you, Daddy.”

“I love you, too, Babygirl. Now let me go handle motherf$ckers.”

“Ok Jehovah Nessi.”

“Keep your ears open for my whispers. I have a couple of little things I need you to put in place to work this out in your favor. So when I say pull up, you pull up. Clear?”

“Clear.”

“I love you, Bae.”

“I love you, too, God.”

Within hours I heard the whisper of who to call at Amazon to fix the hold up. And she did.

Within a day, the podcast breakdown had been fixed and I have the compassionate communication I need to produce.

Within two days, after I heard the whisper to send a love note to the publishing team, I discovered the book had been published but I didn’t get the email.

But here is where trusting, surrendering, allowing, and knowing blew my mind.

My Amazon series went live 20 minutes before meeting with my PR team. During that meeting we had a guest. By the end of that meeting, I had a global entertainment/production company committing to partnering with me and taking “ownership” of my brand with me as entrepreneurs.

Let me help you understand what this means.

Instead of paying a fee for services rendered, this company will be paid on the back end. They will leverage their resources to amplify my already proven brand for movies, TV shows, hosting, festivals, graphic novels, speaking engagements—you name it!

AND—this is the mind blower—THEY ARE AMAZING, BRILLIANT, BEAUTIFUL, AND INTEGRITY-CENTERED BLACK MEN!!! #micdropped

These Brothers are the truth!

They are proven and we have trust, communication, and honesty already built in because we’ve been in relationship for four years!!! They are not strangers to me. They have supported me in LA informally for years. But now it’s time.

So as I await the proposal for our partnership, I marvel at how all of this manifested without me DOING anything. Yes, I listened to the whispers, but this outcome is NOTHING I could have prayed for, asked for, or intended.

It’s destiny. Fulfilling itself.

If we were not in a pandemic when Hollywood closed down completely, it is very unlikely I would have gotten to my potential partners. They flew ALL over the world and time is limited. But the time was right. The episode went live right before the meeting, and all the pieces came together while the world is in a crisis. I never saw this coming!

But that’s the gift of letting go and letting God.

Please share a time in your life where YOU have let go and let God. I know I’m not the only one!!!! Let’s inspire each other with accounts when we trusted God more than our fear or need to know.

I can’t wait to have my mind BLOWN by reading your “surrender story!”

I love you,

Dr. Venus

Ps. When you join the FB group please be sure to answer the three short questions so I can create content that feeds you. Yes you will be able to join the conversation about each episode before we drop it on Amazon, but you will also learn how to pimp your pain into peace, purpose, and profits! Click the link above.

PPs: When you grab your copy of the Black Woman Millionaire book and/or watch each episode on the Amazon series, be sure to leave some five-star and written love so others see the value. The reviews are not about me. They are in service of people who don’t know me, comprehending the value of the book, series, or podcast in THEIR lives! I thank you in advance for empowering me to do God’s work, world wide.

I’m not big on holidays. I mostly miss them because I don’t have reminders set in my calendar. I don’t celebrate holidays because they are painful. They are filled with heartache, violence, betrayal, and loss.

So instead of taking myself through that particular Hell, I simply don’t celebrate them.

But there are a couple of holidays that matter enough to me to go through the memories of the past to acknowledge and appreciate other human beings without which, I would not be alive.

Mother’s Day is one of those holidays.

I have two mothers: the woman who gave me life ( I call her “Momma”) and the woman who saved my life (I call her “Nanna.”) Both of these forces of nature walked me across stage when I graduated from Stanford University with my MA/Ph.D. Both have loved me with all they had. And both have shaped me into the woman I am today.

There’s a lot I could say about each of my mothers. But I won’t. What I will say is this: love comes in many forms. Some harsh. Some helpful. Some cruel. Some kind. Some wounding. Some redemptive.

No matter the form, I know this truth as surely as I know the sun rises in the East:

I. Have. Been. Loved.

Love is imperfect and messy. It’s not always nice and there are times that the way a person expresses love feels like hate. Trust me on this: I know. It has taken decades to see the love in Momma’s actions without sugarcoating the devastation of it.

It has taken just as many decades to let Nanna’s demanding rigor and selfless love reimagine me and walk in her vision of who I can be. Ironically Nanna’s love has been the hardest to allow. To this day, I still wonder why and how she could love someone as wounded as me.

Without Judas, there could be no Jesus.
No crucifixion.
No resurrection.
No new life.

Without Momma, there would be no Nanna. Not for me…

So as I prepare for the next season of expansion in my life, I’m clear God gave me both mothers for my destiny. They are the flip side of the same coin: God’s will for my life.

Today, I send a prayer up to both of my mothers. A prayer of gratitude and love.

I love you, Momma.
I love you, Nanna.

Thank you for giving me life and for saving my life. I love you both with my whole heart. In different ways, yes, but no less true. You both have my respect, admiration, and love.

INVITATION: Sis, if you have had a complicated, hurtful, or difficult relationship with the woman you call mother, it’s time to forgive her. You will never be able to fulfill your destiny or have great relationships with other women (including your daughters) until you take on healing your relationship with your mom. It’s the core of who you are—intentionally or reactionary.

My money transformed when I walked in Momma’s shoes and saw her as a person instead of a parent who had failed me. If you truly want to win in life, to live free, fulfilled, and loved, healing your relationship with your mom is essential.

I know because I have, and now I create my life instead of living at the effect of my mother’s wounds.

You can can too.

Sincerely,

Dr. Venus

My computer died.
Well it won’t go beyond the opening Apple page. #sigh

All Apple/electronic stores are closed so there’s nothing to do but wait until they reopen in LA.

I can’t record my podcast—but I DO have two episodes in the can, so now I’m thankful for breakdowns. My series is on hold due to COVID-19 back up. There’s nothing I can do about it.

I can’t tour or do live events until it’s safe to go outside again.

I feel like God is telling me in EVERY way possible: stop.

I’m not a quitter. I find ways or make them. But in this season, EVERYTHING is out of my control. Beyond my will.

I find myself disheartened.
Dejected.
Depressed.

I try not to go to worse case scenarios.
But I fail. I don’t feel angry. More apathy. Despondent.

Actually if I tell the truth, I feel defeated.

It’s a quiet feeling. Not a lot of emotion. It’s marked by the ABSENCE of emotion. When I think of defeat, I think of an Olympic athlete who has trained for YEARS to compete. The level of focus, commitment, and sacrifice are poured into the dream of winning the gold.

The athlete trains, gets the right coach, and even moves away from home and childhood to compete against the best of the best in the world on the world’s stage.

And then, through no fault of her own, perhaps a hidden pebble in the snow for a skier,  or a ripped Achilles for a runner, or the direction the wind blows for a tennis player, or sweat on the basketball court— you name it—something happens.

While giving it her all, playing like her life depends on it, something or somethings happen beyond her control and she is defeated.

Do you ever think about what it is like to miss a medal by a fraction of a second? Or because the referee made a bad call? How do all the athletes who lose at the Olympics, keep on living, once they come home defeated?

If they’re anything like me, they try to regroup and look on the positive side. But their hearts are not in it. So privately they grieve. Some may even suffer. Some may go into teaching or tour with Disney. Others may open private training facilities to train the next generation of Olympians.

Still others may resort to drinking.
Drugs. Reckless living because they no longer have a reason to live.

Some of the defeated may get married and have babies to focus their passion on.

But no matter the survival strategy, in the bottom of their numb hearts they move through this world, defeated.

So, right now, with my broken computer, cancelled tour/events, my original series on hold during the pandemic, and a host of other breakdowns/losses, I feel defeated.

I know it will pass. I’m not a quitter. I know that God is always working things out in my favor and for my good.

But for right now, I’m going back to bed.

I will hug my puppy, cry in his fur and buy a new computer tomorrow.

Yeah, I will try again tomorrow…

Dr. Venus