Archives for December 2019

Some people have kids.
I have a Calling.

My life is not my own.

I have come to accept the singularity of my very existence.

My walk is lonely.

I don’t begrudge it.

I have learned to sit with and be with the ache in my body:
In my heart…
In my stomach…
Between my thighs…

My Lord, please, be with me.

I am surrendering to the totality of the Call.

You are my love, my life.

You, Lord, have my undivided attention.
No distractions. No competition.
Just you.

My life is set up to do Your Will.

I am no saint.

There is more sin in me than salvation.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t love you with everything that I am.

People never tell you this: but there is a cost to the Calling.

The cost is total: live a life that is reactionary or commit completely to the Call.

One is not better than the other.

I often think of Anne Frank.
Victor Frankel.
Gandhi.

I think of Malcolm, King, Ali.

I think of Oprah, Jobs, Tesla.

I think of Jesus, Mohamad, Buddha.

I wonder… did they know?
Did they feel the cost of the Call?
If they had known the cost,
would they have stilled answered?

I don’t know.

I do know this…

“When destiny and victory finally collide, there’s no sound more sweeter than when God says it’s time.” Kirk Franklin

It has taken my entire life to get to this season where I can answer the Call.

I sit alone with God. Well not quite alone. Happy is nearby curled up into a little ball of love that I can touch with my fingertips…

But I sit with God.
I write. More often than not, just listen.

I listen for the whispers.
The nudges.
The hunches to know what next right step to take.

I continually let go of my timeline and surrender to divine time.
I do ALL the actions I am guided to do. I talk with my therapist and my Circle of Trust to stay clear and focused.

I see my doctors and I exercise.

I am an excellent steward over my resources and I tithe.

I have assembled an extraordinary team that empowers my leadership and has grace with my humanity.

My stamina is growing.

I focus on the positive and tell the truth when I feel negative.

I have become comfortable with sleeping alone.

I sit with myself.
I sit with God.

And I let go of my timelines and the picture inside my head about how things should or will look.

I don’t know how the future will look.
I don’t know if all I have given my life to will turn out.
I don’t know if all of my marketing efforts will fall flat or soar.

I. Don’t. Know.

What I do know is this: I will do my absolute best and give my Calling, my dream, my destiny the very best shot at winning I am capable of in this lifetime.

I do not feel afraid. Life has burned all the fear out of me.

I feel alive.

Like I am standing on the precipice of something so beyond my imaginings, I can’t even get excited about it. But I know it’s happening.

It will not be perfect.
I can’t even promise it will be polished or pretty.
I don’t know if people will come or if they will shun.

I may fail dismally.

But what if…

… What if I stepped off the cliff of my Calling and tumbled through space and time landing in the hearts of shattered souls that feel like pillows soaked with tears.

… What if my people, the ones for whom I am an answered prayer, what if they caught me?

… And what if the Calling wasn’t my calling but the thunderous brazen clanging of cymbals calling souls home themselves; home to their truth?

… What if the singularity of my very existence is actually what makes me universal?

… And what if God stripped me of every distraction–from my womb to my marriage to the death of Defy Impossible, Inc.–to turn me into a sufficient condition to manifest SOMETHING my mind can’t even see from where I am right now, that will transform the world?

Yes, the Calling, costs.

I don’t begrudge it.

I embrace it.
I give thanks for it.

I don’t know if it will be big or small.
I don’t know if anyone but me and God will know my work is done.
But that’s ok now.

I have been to the mountain top.
And I have been to the depths of hell on earth.
I know how cruel people can be.
And I also know how kind.

But no matter the reception, I answer the Call Lord.

With my life, I answer the Call.

vor